The Great Calorie Conspiracy and Battling the Bulge


When I was a kid, I ate candy like some people drink water.  It seemed to have the same effect, none.  I don’t think I ever experienced a sugar high back then.  But since I was forced into adulthood, I have had a constant battle with my waistline.  The thing is, it is generally a good sign when you come from parents who were thin.  Neither of my parents ever weighed more than 140 pounds, and that is not because they were midgets, they were of average height.  I, on the other hand, have weighed in as much as more than 240 pounds.  Granted, I am considerably taller than either of my parents were, my mother probably 5 feet 2, and my father about 5 feet 6.  I am 5 feet 10.

When I went into the army in 1968, I weighed in at about 185.  I was 19 at the time.  Many years later, like ten years ago, a doctor told me that was my ideal weight.  What!?  The last time I was at that weight was in 1971 and I had been in the hospital for two weeks and not eaten a whole lot.  Since, I have managed to end up on the army’s “fat boy” program.  I believe I was 230 at that time, and I hadn’t reached 30 yet.

Right now I am around 220 but that comes with constant exercise and a semi-healthy diet.  It is rare that I have fast food of any sort, and I am moderately successful with staying away from chocolate and other sorts of candy, high fat nuts, and chips.  I do not like sugared soda so that is not an issue for me.

Here is one of my major problems.  I am addicted to chocolate.  Yes, I admit it.  Unfortunately, even having done a thorough search, I have been entirely unable to find a 12 step program for chocolate addiction.  I looked on the Internet and I thought I had found just that sort of group.  It is called “Chocoholics Anonymous.”  The bad new is, it is a chocolate store in California!  The bastards knew we existed, and they are playing upon our weakness to draw us in!  Those people are amoral and obviously have no conscience.

Everyone knows somebody who seems to be thin no matter what.  You will ask them what sort of exercise they do to keep the weight off and they will respond that they do not exercise.  Really?  How can that be!  This very same person can be seen eating everything in sight when you sit down to a meal.  They do not stay away from the starches, the fatty foods, the carbs.  No!  They eat at will.  In general, I think life is always fair but that is the exception.  The only thing I can come up with that explains their amazing metabolism is that they cannot possibly be human.  They are some alien species that has been set down here on earth as part of some huge scientific experiment by E.T.

Seriously, ask any doctor about such people.  Find the person that is the same age as you with relatively the same diet.  That person is thin, always, and you are not, always.  The doctor will invariably respond, he doesn’t know why.  It is not like this is something new to science.  There have been innumerable studies about obesity and never ever have I heard of any findings that explain why we get fat.  Therefore, it has to be a diabolical plan that E.T. is conducting on us.  Nothing else makes sense!

Now that we all agree that E.T. has got to be behind this conspiracy, it is time we also accept that chocolate and sugar cane are not natural to this planet!  Long before humans were capable of writing down their thoughts, E.T. planted the stuff everywhere it could possibly grow knowing how defenseless the average human is to it.  Once humans discovered the stuff, I am certain it was done with a little prodding by E.T., humans started getting fat!  Seriously, humans are genetically not predisposed to getting fat.  We are members of the animal kingdom, and with the exception of dogs and cats, none of the animal kingdom gets fat!

Now you say, ah ha!  Other animals do get fat!  But consider who they are allying themselves with. Us!  By nature they are hunters but we humans reduce them to beggars of our food.  They are not required to hunt to live.  Also, we pen them in, so their natural exercise that occurs during hunting goes away.  They get fat!

Well, you inquire properly, why would E.T. even care that we get fat?  Simple.  Where ever E.T. came from, getting fat was banned long before their most recent history.  Also, the harvesting of sugar cane and chocolate on their planet is against the law, very much like marijuana is on this planet.  They foolishly forgot to log why getting fat was outlawed and what its consequences are.  They needed to conduct a scientific study on others of their kind, and this being against the law as well on their planet, they needed specimens to study.  And voila!  They knew about this remote planet with a bunch of apelike creature who were genetically identical to them and a scientific experiment was born.

Why tell you all this?  Simple, next time someone tells you that you are fat, or you actually feel that way, remember it is not your fault!  It is E.T.’s fault, whoever E.T. really is.  I expect that scientific experiments being what they are, E.T. has also come up with the fat antidote and returned it to his home planet.  It is only fair that E.T. share his finding with us.  You can be sure that our Federal Government is fully aware of E.T. having an antidote but the sugar and chocolate lobby does not allow them to reveal E.T.’s findings.  If that were all there was to it, we would probably have found out anyway.  But, even more sinister, is they would finally have to admit that Area 51 is real and the aliens that were held there were the ambassadors of that far away planet.  At the time of the flying saucer’s crash, we were fearful of being annihilated by an angry E.T. and felt compelled to keep it quiet.  Once the government found out that E.T. knew the crash was purely accidental, however, the government was trapped by its own lies and therefore vowed that the truth would never come to light.

Remember also, were the antidote given to human beings there would no longer be any need for the “health gyms.”  Health food stores would lack for purpose and everything related to such business would fail.  Hopefully now you can see the vastness of this conspiracy keeps us, me, from enjoying those things that come natural to us and that we find enjoyable.

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