There was a time, not that many years ago, that I believed that the universe was constantly conspiring against me. I found out that such feelings are actually rather common. I guess the first question is, did I really believe the universe was against me?
During my childhood and teen years many bad things happened to my family and me. I was left with a lot of question but few answers. Things did not change much when I reached my adult years. I was still at a loss to explain why so many things happened, not just to me, but all around me. For example, I remember believing during the 1970s that if I watched a Red Sox game on television, they would lose! I really believed that. In fact, I seemed to have the uncanny ability to watch games that they did lose.
When that belief went away others crept in. I frequently believed that people in power were out to get me. It did not occur to me that I had done anything to incur their wrath. I was simply the victim of their evil ways.
I could offer to you what I thought to be the facts of my being misunderstood, or how I had innocently stumbled into situations that were compromising. I was certain that there was some sort of black cloud following around just waiting for the worst possible moment to bring some sort of pain on me.
Then one day, a good friend told me to get over myself. All those beliefs I had indicated that I thought somehow I was so important that the universe actually took note of my existence. I was told that I was neither that important nor that powerful. Negative things happened without regard to my existence.
I was told that well over ten years ago and I have to admit that it has taken most of that time for me to entirely grasp that concept. Then one day I embraced the concept of the universe being unaware of my existence. The relief I felt was huge. It was also very empowering.
How can I possibly believe that the universe being unaware of my existence to be a truly wonderful thing? Simple, it relieved me of the burden of having to be right in everything I do, everything I think, and everything I believe. Along with that I discovered that I did not need to explain myself to everyone for anything I do or believe. Being answerable to myself is more than enough. I acknowledge with ease my mistakes. There is no more belief that I can “get away” with something because no one will know. I will know and that is more than enough.
The thing that brought it all home was my looking at the whole universe, literally. I joined the mind numbing task of trying to understand the vastness of the physical universe in both physical size and time of existence. That has proven nearly impossible. Then I tried to imagine the Milky Way Galaxy to the universe and found how truly small and relatively insignificant our galaxy is. From that point, going from the galaxy to the solar system to the Earth and finally to me gave me a wonderful perspective of how minute I am when compared to the universe. I have a better chance of seeing an atom with my naked eye than of seeing me in the universe.
Today when I think of the things that are happening around me, I view them as an extremely small set of things relative to the many trillions of events happening simultaneously around the universe. That give me pause to consider how important any one event that is happening relative to me and that I am aware of. I have found that most of the events I consider to be important are important to me alone, or a small number of people at best. That being true, I find that when it gets really cold, something I really dislike, acceptance comes to me and I remind myself that summer is on the way.
Finally, I now carry with me a small stone in my pocket everywhere I go. I can be frequently seen rubbing the stone with one of my hands. The stone is a reminder to me of the existence, absolute, of powers far greater than me in extremely small containers. The stone has one of the four forces of the universe inside it, the strong nuclear force. If it were possible to release the entirety of that force within that one stone the results would be at least a 20 mile radius of absolute destruction. Now that is power! I have nothing within my control that even approaches such power. I have absolutely no control over such power.
It is good to know how powerless I am. It comes in handy when I think or someone else thinks I can have some sort of power over something or someone. It is one of those hopeless tasks to believe I could have such power and it is much more effective to conduct myself as such. When I let go of the idea that I need to do something, and instead make myself available to be available when there is something I can do. Those times I can do something are one out of one hundred at best.
Being extremely unimportant is really nice. I move freely without fear or regret. I am no longer so busy watching my steps or planning my next step that I have lots of time to observe the universe, in all its beauty, pass by.