Vegans and Health Food People Really Piss Me Off!

Last night I was at a restaurant with my wife.  I had a particularly good piece of baked haddock and then decided, which is unusual, to indulge in dessert.  My wife pointed out that on the dessert menu was flour-free cake.  I told her that was either a misprint or a misrepresentation.  Cake is made with flour, sugar, butter, and in this case, chocolate.  I told her it was indeed a chocolate something but it sure as hell was not cake!

I blame all of this on California, of course, the land of fruits and nuts.  They started it all when someone decided alfalfa sprout would be such a good thing to put on a sandwich.  Are you kidding me!  Everyone knows alfalfa is grown to feed to livestock.  But they couldn’t stop at that, nooooooooo.  The next thing you know they are marketing this stuff called tofu.  Be honest, how many of you had any idea what tofu is when you first heard of it.  For that matter, how many know even now?  Tofu is soy but sounds better, somehow, when you call it tofu.  Except on Chinese food, where it’s great, soy/tofu, is evil!

Then they came up with this stuff called “soy milk.”  Really?  Last time I heard there were two sources of milk, mammals and coconuts.  But now these bastards have invaded my favorite coffee shop with their soy milk.  One day I accidentally poured some of it in my coffee.  One sip and I was certain I had been poisoned.  In coffee you put cream, milk, low-fat milk, skim milk, or nothing at all.  But as any real coffee drinker knows, you never ever put soy into such a drink.

One day I was out with a good friend and we stopped for coffee and a snack.  She was buying and she knew what kind of coffee I wanted and backed it up with a brownie.  Chocolate is a huge addiction for me but it goes so well with coffee.  Well, one bite into the brownie and once again I thought I had been poisoned.  When I questioned her about the brownie she snickered and said it was “gluten-free.”  Once again, I must insist, that is NOT a brownie.  It is something but not a brownie.

Remember those commercials for “I can’t believe it’s not butter.”  Really?  Have you no taste buds at all?  I can tell the difference all day long.  Do you put margarine on pop corn?  No!  Of course not.  It tastes like crap!

Take ice cream.  By definition ice cream is a combination of sugar and milk fats churned and cooled into its solid form.  People used to respect this and when they made something similar, but which did not quite meet the actually definition they called it sorbet.  My hat is off to them.  But sugar-free ice cream?  That is an oxymoron.  Even worse is “fat-free” ice cream.  Impossible!

And what about those people who say we should not eat meat!  Really?  We all have two front teeth, incisors or canine teeth.  They are an ancient remnant of humans having to tear at the flesh of animals to feed ourselves!

Americans desperately need to learn that it is not what we eat that is unhealthy, it is how much we eat.  We are so indulgent of our food desires that we are fat a lazy, and that is what is unhealthy.  If we think healthy, and act on those thoughts, we will be healthy.  Once I am finished with this I am acting on my thought of quickly finding and devouring a whoopie pie.  It’s not at all healthful but I will get a truly healthy sense of pleasure.  Eat on!



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